What I’ve Gained from What I’ve Lost

Our forerunner has gone heavenward before us, standing firm to guide us. We are fastened to an unmovable rock, where the storms of life try to shred us and our foundation creaks. While the tides overwhelm us and gusts of wind attempt to blow us off course; we shall arrive safely into port. As our feet move closer to our destination, our daily routines pull us one notch closer into the harbour of our creator; who shows us… there is Hope amongst the hurt.

Paraphrased ~ Erwin Lutzer

The following song is worth a listen, as it echoes the sentiment of all the past year, which my faith has seen me though.

Francesca Battistelli - Where Were You (Lyrics)   https://youtu.be/9ITqtvHdj-k

In the one day that changed the course of my life, the emissions of pain which came in swells, saw me struggling to stay afloat. Yet casting my eyes upon my prayer journal, I can see I have not endured it all alone. While a great deal of thought has been put into what I would write, it occurred to me that in my brokenness, I am to focus on what I have gained… from what I have lost.

As I rise up on the arena of my life, I am able to let it settle within-- how the following would not have left imprints on my heart, had June 30^th, 2016 not taken place. 

In the winter months, my pathway brought me to two women, both experiencing serious health ailments. In staying with them on short terms, due to the difficulties they battled, I was able to see them at their most vulnerable. With our guards down, I was witness to the hills and shadowy valleys they had ventured throughout their own lives. Beyond the food and fellowship, I was a bystander to these sisters in Christ and when the hurt from their wounds spilled upon me, I sought forgiveness. 

During this challenging time of transition from living in my rental suite to sleeping in my vehicle, the course of a friendship, over forty years drew to a close. It was as if the riptides of our lives carried one of us away, while the other could not enter the dark waters. While I mourned this separation, I would find her again and again, on the pages of my novel- in different form, she was still endeared to me. In my prayers, I have asked the Sovereign hand be my guide in trusting that one day our worlds will collide again in harmony- instead of discord. 

Amidst the newly formed sector of homelessness, I had a Christmas of receiving from those I barely knew or were complete strangers. Gathering at the residence of my friend Terry, I felt the compassion of others towards a situation, which I had never caused.  There was an abundance of love during the everlasting spirit of Christmas that saw me arise in hope. 

Throughout all of the health issues I was dealing with, my teeth began to break apart. The stress caused by the daily uncertainty of where I would sleep and the nightly cold saw me grinding my teeth. Through Terry, someone reached out to assist with my dental restoration. A sincere email penned also by Terry to a local dental office, saw Aspen Dental respond they would lend a hand, in me regaining my smile. I recall the day when I was given a mirror and the girl with the broken smile was now restored to the woman with a joyful heart. 

In 2016, I took the courageous step to finally address parts of trauma in my life where I could no longer deny, had taken place. It was a simple business card Terry shared that had me seek out Victoria Prayer Counselling. Both Charles and Claudia Dorrington worked through the cornerstones of my life, in order for me to truly feel what the healing power of forgiveness was like. 

It is here that I pause and think of all these moments that may not have taken place, if I was still working full time. 

I also have to admit that during this year, there are those I feel I let down as a friend. The times I called out in crisis, without acknowledging their own moments of despair, I am taking ownership of. While I was not in a good frame of mind, it does not make it okay to disregard the importance of their own lives. Some of my friends have been enduring their own severe health issues or personal hardships. In taking on my chaotic life, they have shed tears from across the miles, which separate us. 

Within the deepest recess of my heart, I am thankful for those who have not abandoned me.

I thank everyone who has stood by me, during all of the drama. My life has been changed for the better by Judy, whose text messages whether filled with kindness or of hilarity, have carried me through the roughest waters. On Mother’s Day, she drove a few hours to come and bring her solidarity of motherhood and loss, to me. Amongst all of my friends, we share a connection unlike any other…one that we would not wish upon anyone. I feel because of this, I have believed that she will always be there for me.

Then I found a saying which resonated within me:  

The things we take for granted, someone else is praying for.

During these months of constant moving around, time has been interrupted by those around me, in the many contributions I have received. Whether a package arriving from Michelle in South Carolina, a care parcel from Sarah from the lower mainland or an unexpected present from TJ; the moments of discovery in my mailbox were reminders of their own hearts molded into what they gifted me.

Care Package full of treats and pampering sent to me by my friend Sarah xx

Often, in going through this homeless process and seeking resolution, it has been Amanda who offered her insight into the mental health system. Having been part of a consumer council with my friend, advocating for those experiencing both stigma and issues, I trust Amanda when the weight of it all feels too much to bear. 

While most people know me to have a sunny disposition, with faith as my core, I am revealing a dark time that shows my vulnerability. Last month, after a year of moving around, my health suffering, sleeping/living out of my car and in financial debt, I had a breaking point. During this turmoil, I felt lead to a local underground parking lot.

I had just received more bad news at the hospital about my health and had been told by Employment Insurance that my claim had ended, unexpectedly. I literally felt that I was at my lowest point, since my daughter had passed. As I parked my car, I was weeping uncontrollably and questioning my purpose on this earth? Suddenly a vehicle decided to park right beside me (which I found odd, given it was an empty parkade at this time). I avoided any eye contact and tried to stop my heaving, along with tears. Soon there was a knock on my window and I had no choice but to roll it down. Standing before me was a woman, with a concerned look on her face. She began to ask if I was okay or if I needed help? In the next several minutes, I found myself pouring my heart out. In between sobs, she grabbed a hold of my hand and prayed things would get better for me.

That early morning, a lady took the time to care and walk up to a stranger’s window, not knowing what to expect? Because of her, I believe she was sent to intervene on my behalf. 

In May, my travels saw me stay in a tent in Nanaimo. My hope was to find a place to call home, yet what I discovered, was roots can take place with those who are not family.

I met Smitty, a home-free man whose generosity showed me the beauty of giving when we have nothing. 

My life has been touched by Tiree from Manchester and Finn from Scotland, who were travelling companions across our nation. 

Introducing Canadian staples to Tiree and Finn from the UK

Before they departed from the campsite we were staying at, I introduced them to Tim Bits! Later, I was thrilled to hear from them on their Canadian adventures and how their stops now included every Tim Horton’s, along the way. 

In Langford, I have had the motivated duo of both Alicia and Tawny, reach out to assist me. They are the most caring ladies at 2 Thumbs Up Video, who have gone far and beyond to help me! Tawny put me in contact with Michelle, who opened her home to me, which she shared along with her two daughters, Shyla and Cherise. Her gifts of food and gas, plus plenty of laughter, provided me with several days of feeling ‘normal.’

 At the business Tawny and Alicia work at: 2 Thumbs Up Video, I have been welcomed in with smiles and kindness. Whether through contacts to other organizations that maybe able to assist me or clearing out the guestroom in her and her boyfriend Ryan's home; such as they have done, I am surrounded with their support. For me, my friend has become a life-line to the daily challenges I face. Interwoven into the displacement of my world, she is someone I have been able to find within, a safe haven.

Last month, Alicia created a GoFundMe Campaign, to assist in my travels trying to secure both work and shelter. I was in Port Alberni when I received a call from my friend, ecstatic as she shared how the Gofundme Team had selected me to receive a donation of a thousand dollars! Only days before, I had shared with some of my friends how I was in desperate need of funds, for my upcoming bills. 

GoFundMe has a notable give back program where employees pick a campaign that inspires them. GoFundMe then donates 1,000 dollars to that campaign. In 2015, GoFundMe gave back more than half a million dollars.  

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/GoFundMe

I would like to acknowledge the warmheartedness of the team at Gofundme, who amongst all those to chose from, they felt I was deserving! 

In wanting to pay it forward to another campaigner, I want to share a link for a woman’s request for an Insulin pump. I found a poster with her information outside a store located in Post Alberni. Kelly Schwartz fundraiser goal is $6,000. In researching about the pump she requires, I found many others, who also are need of this expensive equipment. 

For those wanting to donate to Kelly’s cause, please check out:

https://www.gofundme.com/I-was-born-and-raised-in-Port-Alberni-I-like-to-knit-and-do

My plans to come to this area of the Island came from others, while I camped in Nanaimo, telling me of the benevolence of those within the Alberni Valley. I am grateful to Julia and Clarke, who prayed over me and provided the name of  Alberni Valley Christ Reformed Church.

 In my emails sharing references and conversations with Pastor Korver, I was invited to attend service and a potluck for a couple, who were getting married. The Pastor introduced me to those in attendance and after I spoke, several couples extended their kindness and invited me to stay with them, temporarily. 

Heart and cross given to me by my friend Alicia xo

For me to travel to a place where I do not know anyone is common.  Yet I always have concerns about being judged for the past-- rather than others seeing the efforts I am making-- to change my situation. None of what I have experienced, especially when I was injured in the workplace, has anything to do with my mental health. I was strictly following orders, given to me by those, in authority. 

Now, my focus is securing work that will provide me the means to have a place to call home, once again. What has changed are my limitations in what I can do. Months of physical therapy and acknowledging my body is altered in what I am capable of, has seen me turn down work I once readily accepted. Despite a half dozen doctor’s notes, rehabilitation and even a case of edema-- which swelled my feet and legs—there are some who have me labeled picky or lazy for things I simply can no longer do. The reality is I am fearful of another WCB claim or more serious injury. Since I do not know the restraints of what is possible, I do try everything once and gauge the outcome on my health the next day. This has caused me to speak up in the workplace about what transpired last year and set limits that sadly are a fact of life. 

I have come to understand that these struggles are not necessarily where I see myself, yet need to embrace the changes, which are a constant stream that flows in and out of my life. In my readings, I am reminded of Abraham being called to be a pilgrim. The lesson being that Abraham by faith obeyed and went, even when he did not know where he was going!

There have been several churches that have further extended compassion, provisions, gift cards and more to me, including Saanich Baptist and Gateway Baptist Church. 

Likewise, I was greeted with such goodwill at Chinese Alliance Church. A young lady named Leanna; whose God-driven path crossed mine. She invited me to service and later bought me breakfast. I have openly shared my personal story of poverty and overcoming adversity, in addition to the illnesses I cope with, on a daily basis. I find in Leanna such a calming presence, without disdain for my lifestyle. She is encouraging as Leanna lifts up her sisters in Christ — especially to those suffering with serious health ailments. Our correspondence is something I value, as the time she takes to write back, is reflective of her caring. 

In sharing the support I have been blessed with, while being displaced, I have had to rely on others. In doing so, there have been times where I have been hurt and my trust broken, by those I felt I could lean on. One of the humbling things I have learned is those that are intended to be part of my circle, will uplift me as we rise together and those who are bound to judge… will fall away from it.

Upon reflecting on this past year, I look at those who paths never would I have crossed, had my injuries not occurred. I am thankful for the bone scan last August, which provided answers when it was revealed I have early degenerative arthritis. I look ahead to the mammogram I am receiving in two days, to explain lumpy tissue. I give praise for the medical care I am privileged to be able to access and at peace with any upcoming outcomes. 

In focusing on what I have gained, I am full of appreciation for the work I have been able to secure- jobs here and there- that gives me back even a little bit of independence. As an employee, I have always given a 100 % dedication to whoever places their trust in my work ethic. I also like to support and serve community whenever possible. On Canada Day, I spent $8 on a hand sewn purse whose proceeds went to a worthy cause. 

As this is my last post on this blog, related to the 365 days of my journey, I thank those for reading my posts and granting me a voice to those injured in the workplace.

 I conclude with this entry I wrote in my prayer journal…my faith although battered, has sustained me through life’s weathered storms. 

Dear Lord,

You sought me out for this journey. Over the past year, you guided me into the hearts and homes I entrusted my very being with. You provided humility when I was hurt, opened my eyes when I could not see and graced me with forgiveness for myself and others, when I was struck down. Please continue to use me on this pilgrimage…let my faith trust in the plans you have for me, as you carry me, when my feet cannot. 

Butterfly and cross necklace pendants from my friend TJ

By TL Alton